Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
