awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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