he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
