Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
