She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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