I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
