I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
