I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
