The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
