i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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