Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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