...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize