I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
