The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
