So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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