Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
