I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
