I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
