ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
