I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
