in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
