Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
