She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
