The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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