K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
