You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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