K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize