The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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