Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
