Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize