Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
