i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
