I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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