I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
