Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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