After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
