i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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