I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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