I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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