I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
