dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
