the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
