i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
