I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
