you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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