closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
