One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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