I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
