I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
