he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
