She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
