I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Randomize
