you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
