Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
