Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
