Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
