looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize