Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Pants are for mortals
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
