its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
